Dis heewing izz nay-oh in sezhin.
Dee awnahwubbill Pawl Baywuh pweesydeng.
Pweeze be zeeded.
Thank you Bailiff.
This morning's first case is Chalupa v. World. Before the court today is defendant's motion to dismiss the complaint for failure to state a claim upon which relief may be granted. Let's hear from defendant's counsel first, as it's his motion. Counsel?
Thank you Judge, Hector Gliessen for Defendant, and may it please the court. Your Honor, Defendant has been in existence since before we can measure backward in time. The doings and workings of Defendant were in place long before the Plaintiff was even an erection in his father's penis. Nonetheless, Plaintiff seems to think Defendant is trying to destroy Plaintiff's life. Plaintiff complains that Defendant has not quickly enough approved of global communism, for example. But your Honor, we would remind the Court that communism has been tried in many places around the entirety of Defendant's physical boundaries, with never a whiff of success. Also, Plaintiff complains that in this very country where we are standing or sitting today, the United States of America, there is an ugly reactionary neo-Nazi movement --these are Plaintiff's words, your Honor: "ugly reactionary neo-Nazi"-- movement is threatening 2% of the American population. With words. Your Honor, this Court knows and has long understood that mere words are no threat to any one person's existence. However, your Honor, Defendant would acknowledge that certain words can bring about a decline in literacy. But we do not understand Plaintiff's complaint to be focused on literacy, your Honor. What Plaintiff really seems to want, Judge, is the ability to be free from all uncomfortable notions that may arise in a paranoid person's imagination. This Court is not empowered to control people's minds, as your Honor well knows. For grievances of the type Plaintiff alleges to suffer, this Court is empowered only to adjudge people's actions, not their words. Nobody among Defendant's populace has acted malevolently toward the Plaintiff, your Honor. Plaintiff's experience of malevolence and bad intent is completely a fabrication of his dream-world. It does not reflect reality. The Complaint should be dismissed. Thank you.
Thank you counsel. May we hear from Plaintiff's lawyers?
Yes your Honor. Peter Turgid for Plaintiff Chalupa, doing business as Jeffrey Popovich and/or BLCKDGRD. Your Honor, we're before the Court today to ask for some simple justice. As your Honor knows, justice is the business of this Court and that's why we're here. Since this court is about Justice, we're just asking this Court to do its job. Please grant the relief we seek. Defendants are lying psychopaths. Thank you.
Is that your entire argument, counsel?
We did submit motion papers, Judge.
Yes, and the Court has reviewed those papers. Is there anything more you'd like to add?
No your Honor. We believe this Court will do the right thing and determine that Defendant is a neo-Nazi enterprise determined to drag everyone back to the days of bubonic plague and Black Death and witches burned at the stake and castles dumping boiling oil over their ramparts.
Counsel, do you have a legal or factual basis for the relief you're seeking in this Complaint?
Your Honor, we appeal to this Court's sense of justice. We appeal to this Court's sense of even-handedness. We request that your Honor find Defendant a total psychopath.
On what ground or grounds, counsel?
Your Honor, my client has not had a good night's sleep since he turned 14 and hit puberty.
Judge, my client deserves sweet dreams and regular fantasies when in his slumbers.
Your Honor, the Chalupa enterprise is well-regarded as the foremost voice of progress in social awareness.
I'm afraid I'm not following you here, counsel.
My apologies, Judge. What I mean to suggest is that Mister Popovich is like a modern-day Albert Einstein or Galileo or Copernicus, a revolutionary thinker whose concepts will be taught in history books several hundred years from now.
I'm sure you don't mean to insult the Court, counsel, but I'm afraid I don't see anything remotely resembling what you just described in the work of Mister Popovich. Rather, I see something that reminds me of what fellow students were doing or trying to do when I was in something like 8th or 9th grade. Does plaintiff produce any works which are addressed toward anyone or anything other than a pre-teen audience?
Your Honor, with all due respect, your Honor might not be clever enough to see the 11-dimensional chess game that Mister Popovich is playing here.
Let's assume you're correct there, counsel, and that this Court --at least when limited so unfairly as to be relying upon my meagre intellect for understanding-- lacks the insights to properly value or assess Mister Popovich's artistic endeavors. Assuming I'm too dim-witted to see the brilliance of the Chalupa enterprise, why don't you walk me through it?
Yes, your Honor. Of course. Well, for starters, Plaintiff operates at least thirty-seven blogs, at each of which he proclaims admiration for people who have been known as Complete and Total Geniuses in their Fields. I'm talking here, Judge, about authors such as Stanley Elkin, composers like Morton Feldman, painters like Mark Rothko, and poets like Owen Paine of the famous Simbeevah Movement in poetry.
I'm sorry, counsel, but whom exactly are these people you just listed? Let's take them one at a time. Who is this "Owen Paine" person and what is the "famous Simbeevah Movement in poetry"?
Mister Paine is Plaintiff, your Honor, when working one of his many lines of creative genius under pseudonymous identity.
And where is the creative genius displayed, exactly, Counsel?
If the Court cannot discern such qualities on its own, Judge, we brought with us an Expert who can testify on those qualities residing in Plaintiff's brilliant mind.
(Hector Gliessen stands)
Mister Gliessen, it would appear you have something to offer on this line of Plaintiff's argument.
Yes, your Honor, and thank you. Defendant simply would like to observe that Mister Turgid keeps stating conclusions about the alleged genius and cultural value of Plaintiff's work, but is thus far unwilling or perhaps unable to provide evidence supporting those conclusions.
(Gliessen sits back down)
I'm afraid I agree with counsel for Defendant, Mister Turgid. If you expect your complaint to make it past today's arguments, you'll need to show some indicia of factual, evidentiary support for these rather expansive claims you're making. Conclusions do not suffice.
But Judge -- it's Plaintiff's position that Mister Popovich is prima facie evidence of exemplary human genius, merely by his own existence. So naturally whatever he produces is brilliant and essential for people centuries from now, who will need to study Mister Popovich's insights for the incomparable brilliance they possess.
Thank you counsel. Mister Gliessen?
Your Honor, Defendant believes Plaintiff's best argument has just been presented, and is based on nothing more than conclusions unsupported by any evidence now or at any future time available. Even if your Honor would let this case proceed normally, discovery would not yield evidence to support Plaintiff's complaint. To let the matter proceed further wastes this Court's resources. We'll just be back in twelve to eighteen months, next time under Summary Judgment auspices, to make the same arguments you're hearing today, Judge. Nothing will have changed except the lost time on the calendar and the wasted judicial resources of this Court. Plaintiff wants this Court to believe that its claims are demonstrated through the legal mechanism of res ipsa loquitur, but as this Court well knows, that doctrine applies only in the narrowest of circumstances, and those circumstances do not exist in the present case. This Court should dismiss the Plaintiff's complaint for failure to state a claim upon which relief may be granted.
Mister Turgid. I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with Mister Gliessen. I'm giving you one last opportunity to make an argument for retaining this complaint in the Court's docket.
Thank you Judge. We'd just like you to look at Plaintiff's twitter account, because we think his popularity on twitter proves the irreplaceable, innovative and singular qualities of his immeasurable intellect.
Counsel, twitter is gossip. This Court will not use twitter as evidence to support or withstand a motion to dismiss a complaint. Motion granted. Mister Gliessen, I'll be willing to entertain a motion for fees to be assessed against Plaintiff for wasting judicial and adversary time and expenses.
Mister Turgid -- you have something to say?
Yes, your Honor. We OBJECT to any fee discussion or award. This complaint was filed in the best of faith. It's not Plaintiff's fault that this Court cannot properly appraise his genius. We'll be filing an appeal within the statutory time.
Do what you must, counsel. Bailiff? Next case?
-- Paul Behrer, taking a few moments out of his morning to pretend he knows the legal world as well as Chet Redweld.