Tuesday, September 29, 2015

my tire is unhappy

Yes it is, and that would make it a sad tire.  And despite the near-homonym status (of tire sadness stated differently, as a "sad tire") there is no connection of any kind between a sad tire, and satire.

Unless you are Dave Tolnai.

See, Dave Tolnai fancies himself a humorist.  But what is he really?  He's a tire re-capper, a re-treader, and worse than that, he's a re-treader who sells you the re-capped tire as if it were new and never used before and never before had lost its integrity.

Mostly, Dave Tolnai is a cheap retread of "The Old Coot", a column written about 20 years ago by Bill Boles for Dirt Rag Magazine.  Boles had an at-the-time unique schtick:  every 3d or 4th word was spelled phonetically, and the voice used for the phonetic spelling was that of an imagined hillbilly.  Sorta like this:

Ah went to the trayul the other day enn what did I fine?  A skunk, but I thowt it was jes' a black cat onna which someone had pain-ed some white stripe doo-dads.

If you barely got past 4th grade English and stopped your reading of ...cough cough... "literature" at The Little Engine that Could, you probably found Boles to be HILARIOUS and HUGELY INVENTIVE.** 

That many found Boles' writing useful is something of a shame for what many call "the MTB community."  And honestly, many did find it useful -- ask Maurice Tierney how many years that column ran at Dirt Rag.  It was a long damned time.  And over that time, Boles' writing got even less and less "coot"-like, as if it got harder and harder to phonetically spell every 3d or 4th word in some "clever" fashion.


Dave Tolnai's spin on The Old Coot is to be "the Cranky Canadian."  But since Canadians don't know how to be acerbic, caustic, witty, sharp, clever, insightful, creative or funny, Tolnai comes across lamer than Bill Boles.  In other words, not even remotely cranky.  It's like an air-ball when shooting a free throw.  Except without the crowd uttering a collective AWWWWWWW sigh of let-down.

Even when Tolnai is trying to be "funny", he is typically Canadian -- relentlessly optimistic, apologetic toward the kinds of extravagant consumerist fetishes that are nearly over-ripe in their readiness for mockery, and afraid to step on anyone's toes -- rhetorically speaking.

Poor Canada.  Word-fear,*** political correctness, Purple Dinosaur Barney are the touchstones of Canadian "humor."  (I guess it should be spelled as "humour" if I want Canadians to know what I'm talking about.)  Lukewarm almost-irony is considered "satire" in Canada.  Real satire is treated as a hate crime and true satirists are denied access at the US/Canada border, for fear that some random Canadian's poorly developed sense of individualism might be tangentially affected in some minor way by learning about the presence of a satirist within national boundaries.

Instead of Tolnai being able to properly and stridently lampoon the lameness of bike reviews and the idiots who write them, we get an apology for how gosh-darned GREAT every piece of gear in MTB-land is.  Nothing gets skewered by Tolnai.  And that's just fine by his readers.  They wouldn't know how to treat real satire anyway.  They'd rather have a sad tire than a satire.

What should you expect?  They gave us the god-damned Barenaked Ladies, for satan's sake.  Any nation that creates such politically correct "satirical" music can't be trusted for witty insight.

Canada -- always lowering the bar, always dumbing it down.

Because that's more "inclusive."


** Much like people who find Will Ferrell's humor in Elf to be high comedy.

*** "Word-fear" meaning, more afraid of words than of deeds; treating words as if they actually have the ability to physically harm the person who reads or hears them.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


Hipsterama, bro!  I pretend to know Con Law like any uneducated hipster!

Raymond Doot, the (t)reason.com author who has more SMUG than most progressives, tells us here that Roberts protecting the ACA (despite the numerous legal flaws which would have enabled vitiating the Act without "activism" taint) is an act of "judicial restraint" that deserves hallowed recognition among those who lean toward conservatism rather than lib/pwog activism.

What that meant for Obamacare, I predicted, was that "Roberts may very well uphold the health care law as an act of judicial restraint. Just don't expect the conservative rank and file to thank him for it."

Ooooh! Like John MICHAEL Greer, Raymond Doot used a scrying ball to "predict" that Roberts would do what obviously Roberts was going to do: preserve the machinations, tail-chasing irrationalities, and blank profit check writing gifts to the "health care industry".

"Judicial restraint" is about sanctity of existing laws that do not need amendment or vacation.  It's not about protecting laws that are ill-founded and poorly implemented.

Trust Raymond, though.  He's an expert.  Plus, he's a hipster.

Friday, September 25, 2015

I'm a dinner jar. I'm gonna wipe that smirk off the map that is your face.

You know how The Trash-Bin loves to say he and Eretz Yisrael need big nukey-nukes to stop Ahmadinejhad's alleged fantasy of "wiping us off the map"? or in tandem, says Ooh Ess Eh needs to STOP Iran from having even the slightest bit of nuke-yoo-lur-pow-urr (even though David and Sam have it in spades)?

Yeah. He's a psychopath. And probably the only Davidian who thinks that way, right?

--Paul Behrer, giving you what Hal Caidagh sent him in an email an hour or so ago.

Monday, September 21, 2015

invertebrate circus, center ring, big top

On twitter, I'm ANGRY AS FUCK!

Yes, I've noticed that.  However, in real corporal physical space, you are spineless.  What was the last thing you did in meatspace that resembled some kind of individual act of defiance or revolutionary spirit, in keeping with the persona you inhabit here in 0s/1s ether?

3 weeks ago, I stopped someone on the subway and insisted he should read Tarzie.

So, you insisted someone read you?  That's nice.  Why is it, Jeffrey, that you don't you have enough self-confidence to tell someone to read YOU, instead of insisting someone read one of your extremely lame alter egos who dwell only on the internet?

I've also spent lots of time commanding people to give money to Arthur Silber.

Deflection from our Prime Poetaster?  Say it ain't so!  And yet again you reward yourself by referring someone, and his/her donation largesse, to one of your alter egos.  You're such a clever charlatan, Jeffrey.

Do you know how much it cost me to send Planet to The WASP Academy?

You had to pay?  I thought your brainpower was so prodigious, your reputation so stellar, your work product so impressively globally notorious, that The WASP Academy would have paid YOU to send Planet there.  Because, y'know, it would benefit The WASP Academy to be able to claim, "we've got Jeff Popovich's daughter here in our student body" -- that's far more impressive than having, for example, Chelsea Clinton as an alum or Malia Ann Obama as a guaranteed future student. 

Right?  ...errr, ahhh... Correct?

I continue to be dumbstruck at how HUGE a reactionary you are.

Also, I laugh howlingly at your inaccurate attempts to accuse me of ghost-writing the work of others.

I'm sorry, Jeff.  Do you mean to tell us that Tarzie and Silber are not your outlets?  The prodigious internet output of Jeff Popovich is limited to BLCKDGRD and any and all variants of the BDR theme, however expressed, on blogger?  You mean you have no connection whatever to the person who writes Tarzie and the person who writes Silber?  Really?

Yes, I simply recognize each as a genius who needs your money and/or attention.

I see.  So what is it in each of their --for the sake of discussion, I'll go along with your pretense that they are separate people-- collected writings that makes each of them a "genius," as you put it?

Well, for starters, each of them agrees with Corey Robin.

A non-starter now is a starter?

Gosh, that patented Popovich Comedy Routine is a rib-cracking powerhouse, ain't it?

I can't help it if you are jealous of Corey's genius and accomplishments.

I wasn't looking for your ...uh... "help" here, Jeff.  Just a little honesty.  Consider that you're "helping" clarify the record, for all posterity.  My interests are irrelevant.  So you're not helping me by speaking honestly here Jeff.  You're actually helping The Children, which --obviously-- would include Planet.  So, for Planet's sake, please tell us:  why should anyone pay any attention to Corey Robin, Arthur Silber, or Tarzie.  Or to you, for that matter.

I'm the Knez of Egoslavia.  That's why I deserve EVERYONE's attention.
As to Tarzie, Silber, Robin -- they are the leading lights of the Left circa 2015. 
You'd know this if you weren't such a disgusting reactionary fucktard Repthuglican.

Let me ask you something here, Jeff.  Are you aware that The Washington Home is being closed down, and its residents evicted, for the sole reason that Sidwell Friends School wants to bring its grade school facility to the same campus as its upper school facility?

No.  Why should I care about that?

Oh, I don't know -- maybe because you're such a Radical Leftist Agitator and Revolutionary, and this is a clear example of a situation where profit is being put well before humanity, and it's happening in your own back yard.  Maybe for those reasons.  But then, maybe you're just a hammy C movie actor and your vituperative anti-corporate, greed-blaming Leftist Revolutionary identity is a ruse.

I'll tweet all kinds of bile about it, provided I research it and learn you are telling the truth.

Remember, Jeff -- this isn't to help me.  This is a chance for you to prove in good faith that your Radical Leftist Revolutionary persona is solid, rather than ethereal and/or sieve-like.  Let's see you do something forceful, and do it meaningfully in meatspace, regarding this issue.  Can you do that, Jeff?

I'll have to consult Corey Robin first.  But if he okays it, I'm all-in.

I'll believe that when I see it.  Meanwhile, here's a little doggy treat for you.

Monday, September 14, 2015

you lack an outlet

Because you choose adversaries from within the greater American human society, and choose them based on what they --cough cough-- think, you are creating drama just for the sake of feeling like you come out on top when compared to your fellow human American.

It's your competitive outlet.  You use it because you have no other.

If you were healthy, mentally speaking I mean, you would have a solid outlet.  Like this:

The race starts and the mayhem ensues. Out of the campground and spilling onto the road, I look down at my computer. Being that I've never done this race with information on a screen in front of me, I'm amazed that I'm spinning a 32X19 at over 23 miles and hour... and getting dropped like an anchor. I drift further and further back until we hit the first singletrack. Time to chill.

We get into some tight conga line action, and I'm around some of the strongest female riders. We're moving along and then we stop. Too far back to see why we're now just standing in the woods, we postulate on the possibilities. We get moving again only to end up standing still again. We figure it out.

A larger man (in comparison to my four apples) is stopping every time he gets behind walking riders, holding onto a tree, and waiting until he has clear trail in front of him... while riders numbering ten to twenty deep are all forced to stand and wait behind him. We're dumbfounded. We have time to talk, and the amount of shock that was shared was deep and wide.

"Who the fuck does this?"

Slowly, the group I'm in starts making it around this guy. When it's my turn, he stops dead in front of me on a climb and grabs a tree. I get off, run off the trail to the right, and smash my knee into something I don't even acknowledge due to the anger fog I'm in at the moment. The large man yells at me as I come around.

"You better get out of my way when I need by."

Holy shit. This is a real person and he is saying these words and I will have to share this planet with him for awhile longer. I ruminate on the experience for some time, and this distraction allows me to forget how miserable I am until I get to the first aid station.

This particular Racing Eedjit(TM) who is stopping traffic and then with great gall and temerity admonishing those he has stopped and inconvenienced (despite having various tactics and strategies to not inconvenience others while still competing), he is a real adversary.

He's an adversary not because he voted for the wrong person, or listens to the wrong radio station, or agrees with the wrong sociopolitical infotainer, or reads the wrong pundit.

He's an adversary in a real competition.

The person who holds a different perspective, ideology, political stance?

He's not competing with you.  Though I'm sure you have a kit bag full of rationalizations which tell you the competition is real.  In fact, you probably look at those others through the lenses of this culture/era of human society.

Saturday, September 12, 2015

the t remains silent

The hive-minded We Are So Much Smarter than Our Ideological-Political-Socio-Economic Adversaries construct known as the (t)reason.com commentariat have again demonstrated their smug wrongness and intellectual deficiencies, in the lengthy comment thread found here.

For one simple example:

Yes, light waves and radio waves and sound waves and microwaves are all "the same thing" at some conceptual level, but I'll be damned if on its own a radio (AM or FM or CB or ham or walkie talkie) wave is giving off visible light in the process of carrying musical, verbal or other sonic signals.

So to an ignorant non-(pseudo)libertarian, it's not really wrong to say a radio wave and a light wave are different things.  They are different in the qualities they manifest to the human who encounters them in nature or in a laboratory.  That they both are a manner of energy transmission (waveform) doesn't make them the very same thing.

Try to heat your cold pizza by putting it next to your switched-on portable FM radio from the 1970s/80s.  Put it right next to the speaker if you think it will help magnify the energy in those sound waves.

Try to light the room by pressing play on your .mp3 player.  The little display screen doesn't count.  The sound is what I'd like to see you use to light the room.


Yes, they're utterly distinguishable in the easiest manner from smug progressives.

You memorized the categories, thus demonstrating a rigidity of outlook premised on hierarchies-as-the-territory, rather than merely a map thereof.

You are so proud of your memorized categories that you think you know everything.

Maybe you are able to imagine the territory in perfect image when you read a map.

But you're still not walking the land when you read the map.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

bicontinentally righteous

Through some strange twist of internet searching fate, I stumbled upon a debate at the starched-collar Lords of the Galaxy school/farm known as Oxford University.  In this particular teamster's presentation, I noted the incredible parallels to Squabba the Hutt.  These synchronous paths of intellectually duplicitous entertainment offered as politics, or politics offered as entertainment --maybe you can choose which one fits?-- assure me that I am indeed living in interesting times.

I thank Ms Dunham-Brooks, or Brooks-Dunham, or Twickenham-on-Aspith-below-Dunham-y-Brooks, or whatever her stage name is, for providing such an unwitting ironical parody of herself, for fame and fortune.

we make our liniments and tonics from 100% pure rattlesnake venom, laudanum, and clove oil

Kooky "science editor" at (t)reason.com, Nigel West Dickens, has launched another "science" take on reactionaries, further proving that (t)reason.com's editors can't recognize internal inconsistencies, even when their own essays are pregnant with them.

Maybe it's only 2-3 months before Dickens teams up with Corey Robin to blame all modern problems on "reactionaries".  Robin can blame men and misogyny, Dickens can talk about how those problems are exemplified in "honor culture."

The way out?  Consult Elon Musk, a hero to both Dickens and Robin.

Futurist fascist party?  I think it could cause real schisms in the Donkeys and Elephants!