Tuesday, May 19, 2015

chuck'll

...be along shortly to comment on Super Sock Puppeteer's latest duck-and-dodge-by-accusing-others-of-what-self-does, but in the mean time, have you ever noticed that it's really typical for the ziophile to excuse himself and his ideological and action-oriented fellow travellers by anticipatory strike rhetoric? 

It's a little like having a step-brother you don't like and who was forced upon you by your parent's remarriage to a new spouse you dislike worse than the new step-brother.  You may try passive-aggressions if you're of a certain weak-willed and spineless temperament. 

Let's call new step-brother "Hymie." 

One day, you come home from school and are hungry.  You look in the refrigerator and you see nothing that appeals to your adolescent sugar cravings.  In one of the cabinets is a large box of cookies that your mother is saving for a dinner party two days from now.  You like those cookies and start thinking that the two-days-off dinner party can go without, you want them now.  You raid the cabinet, taking the cookies down to your room, shutting the door behind you and chomping away.

Several hours later, your mother returns.  She begins her dinner fixing and in the process notes the cookies are missing from the cabinet.  Since she knows you like that kind of cookie, she heads straight to your room.

"Jonny, do you know what happened to that box of cookies in the cabinet?  I was saving them for the dinner party two days from now.  I don't have time to go to the grocery between now and then, and now I'm without cookies for the dinner party.  Do you know anything about this?"

You resist the temptation to beam ear-to-ear with personal pride in your clever chicanery, and offer your mother a look of compassionate concern.  "Have you looked in Hymie's room?  I think I saw a cookie box on his bed."

Your mother heads to step-brother Hymie's room and finds a cookie box empty of all but a few crumbs, and maybe another quarter-cup of crumbs is scattered on the bed coverings.  "Oooooooooooh.  That Hymie!" you hear your mother say. 

That ear-to-ear grin previously stifled now appears mysteriously on your face.  Victory is yours, once again!  And gained solely through deception! 

There are big things in store for you when you get older.  Aren't there, Jonny?


This household fable brought to you by Paul Behrer, your friendly neighborhood atomizer of reality

21 comments:

Charles F. Oxtrot said...

We're not fakes or mind-fucking psy-operatives, and we prove this by pointing a finger at Sy Hersh and aligning with Gary Webb. Since Webb is dead, nobody can ask him if he knew us and/or would approve of our alignment with him today, and nobody can verify if anything he said or wrote while alive was true. It's a dreamy landscape and we conjured it right here in Tamir Pardo's office! You stupid goyim!

Chet Redweld said...

That seems more than a little brittle there, Chuck.

Studious assayers of this blog's recent posts may be inclined to ask if you are

(A) Being sincere,

(B) Working a parody,

(C) Doing a satire,

or

(D) None of the above.

Whichever oval you choose, be sure to blacken it entirely so that our readers may score your test appropriately.

Karl Franz Ochstradt said...

It's a Ding-Dong world. HOLYFUCK!

Jon Schwarz, c/o Glenn Greenwald said...

I think my profile is nearing that of Mt Rushmore. Unsung comic writer whose work goes unread, to PR guy for fake-organizer pseudo-radical Hutt who tried to save Flint, now playing mixed doubles with Glenn Greenwald on the same side of the net. HEROIC! HILARIOUS TOO!

I find it's quite a bit funnier than the Zossenite gag I used to run as a barely-visible parody of think tank denizens.

Matt Yglesias said...

I'd like to know how Blackie leap-frogged ahead of me. I get a shitty column at Slate, Blackie gets big bucks with Petey. Blackie didn't even go to Dalton. Life is so unfair.

Paul Behrer said...

Soon, that clown you might know as OCL will drop by and tell you that your humor --such as it tries to be, anyway-- is very uncouth, tres gauche, etc., and likely to attract the wrong audience. In other words, not likely to get you hired by Joan Walsh, Michael Moore or Pierre Omidyar. Primarily because you aren't endearing yourself to the astroturf nation of Modern Progressivism. Etc.

"I don't dare send my father to read your blog, and I certainly can't suggest that my non-breeder friends visit. Not only do you use filthy foul language, you are sickeningly bigoted in the most reactionary ways!"

Frat Baby said...

I had a racket
played a set
rally rally
aces aplenty
never a deuce
and you got all
the eggs

Daddy connections
work like viagra
my little blue pill
helped me hide
behind a breeder

"Dis guy's a feygaleh!"
screamed a cracker
with me in a stall.

But continuing the
airplane simile
I do Immelmann Rolls
and other tricks
if you hold a treat
over my head.

Good doggy!
"Bark for me Matt!"
Your wish, it is
my command.

Ultimate Literary Genius said...

UPDATE: After my mid-morning shit, I used 56 squares of toilet paper to achieve suitable anal wiping.

UPDATE II: Since I affixed a bumper sticker to my yupmobile and the sticker references an author many find "difficult", I want you to believe I'm smarter than almost everyone out there in this pathetic Cracker filled world. Of course I get duped regularly by people I look up to, because my identity is tied to the tribal belonging and I want to be in the tribe of the Ubersmarts and thus choose symbology, semiotics and signifying according to that tribal identity, but I still get pig-in-poked by those whom I've chosen as my heroes. See, if I say I admire Elkin or Pynchon or Gass, that means I'm smart despite being duped by Blackie, Greenie, or Chompers.

Karl Franz Ochstradt said...

The Ding-Dong is 100% SWPL. It's all about the social signaling with the Ding-Dong.

"Did you know that despite my filthy reactionary lineage among dirty-fingernailed immigrants in the hills of Pennsylvania, little Planet actually just graduated from one of WASP-America's finest academies!?! Truly a coup!"

"Did you know that the reason I'm not Chair of All Academic Subjects at Georgetown is the HORRIFICALLY REACTIONARY Catholic Church's power over the mighty institution? If only they were closeted Zionists who pretended at Atheism like me, I'd be Dean of the Universe at the school, and I'd revoke the Catholic charter and affiliation. HOLYFUCK!"

"My tastes are esoteric, artisanal and rarefied. And you, poor troll, are a knuckledragging prognathic sub-cretin who thinks Sarah Palin is smart and attractive. Why don't you go watch some NASCAR or go fantasize about raping women?"

Seriously, this Ding-Dong has gone 40 years under the weight of High School Unpopularity, and look at the toll it has taken on him.

My Complicity. That must be ironic, but in the SWPL/hipster neoplasticism pretending at definition.

Paul Behrer said...

Karl, the saddest part is how his crippled attempts at comedy are no more than a rewrite of the authors he says he admires. See my esoteric references used to make you think I'm just like Thomas Pynchon! Watch me talk of my complicity as if I'm William Gass struggling with ego vs reality friction! Praise me for being aware of Stanley Elkin and saying I love his work!

Don't ever ask me to explain what makes My Heroes great. All I can do is parrot them, or emulate them. Maybe I don't even understand them? Maybe that's my complicity in the ruse? Maybe I'm post- poster-boy for post-modern poseurdom? Maybe that's funnier and smarter than all my heroes combined?

Maybe I'm nothing myself without my tribal affiliations?

HOLYFUCK!

(how'd I do, Karl?)

Hyman Mittleman Lohmann said...

I'd step in but I'm not very good at parody, sarcasm, satire, mockery, japery, teasing, ridicule, or general comedy.

I am halfway decent at shaming, and in that mode I'd wonder how this "Ding-Dong" character ever could think his 1,486 different blogs somehow are providing cultural identity and, more particularly, are giving "Ding-Dong" the kool kids klub affiliation denied him so many years ago.

We need an expert on human psychology and personality formation to tell us what makes a 55 year old man cling to the supposed indignity of not being as popular as the HS QB.

The name-dropping is forgiveable as his residence is in The Land of Connections, also known as Signifying Central, or Symbolism Ground Zero, or, as I like to call it, The Windbag Commune.

Is it supposed to be impressive, this haggard sense of victimhood arising out of what 95% of teenagers would laugh about as soon as they finish 12th grade?

Ultimate Literary Genius said...

Stop punching down. I'm a nobody. I've been a nobody ever since 11th grade, when I thought I'd be popular because I had good connections for acid and weed and knew all the coolest bands and basically kept my friends informed on what was hip and happening in carved bowls, blotter designs, and non-mainstream music. As it turned out, everyone just used me for weed and acid. Only the friends from 5th grade who used to play Star Trek with me at recess stood by me when the great emigration of supposed friends happened in 11th grade.

Clearly my best path was to become a librarian. I'd already established myself as the gatekeeper to weed and acid and cool hip tunes. Besides, I could really fuck with reactionaries, crackers, and people who were more popular than I was when teenaged -- I could send them down blind alleys and resource-impoverished cul-de-sacs, research-wise, as a reference librarian. So many micro-victories for so many micro-aggressions endured over four decades. I am the gatekeeper of Kind. Da Kine, brah. Da Kine.

Mahalo.

Amesy Wamesy Mk IV said...

This breeder comedy needs to end, I'm going limp. Please talk more about me, Glenn, Matt, Matt, Jon. We're all ready for a big gay circle-jerk, but you disgusting fans of the vagina and breasts are putting a cold wet blanket on our hot libidos. Where's the snark? It's right here with Mark! I'm bringin' it huge, bro!

BroTarzie, Whore of MENSA said...

Ewwwww. Vagina. Gross.

And breasts? Disgusting.

I know everything, and I knew before everyone else. Omniscient gay phallivore, that's me. I know who is the truth-teller and who is the mind-warper, and let me tell you swishy bro and splashy sis, the truth sits in my lap and puffs up my petard, while disinformation comes from whoever and wherever I say it does. I am the mighty Tarzie, speaker of truth to power, and it's time we tore down the symbols of sick breeder cis-normative heterosexuality and all of the terrifyingly reactionary regressions it has wrought in our culture, which deserves to become Gaytopia and which will become that vaunted land of fluffy clouds, pretty kittens, and unicorns with 9" horns that I just love to fondle, honey!

I am the Tarzie, and I am so much smarter than all of you sick, disgusting breeders who actually find that obnoxious vagina and repellent breasts so disturbingly compelling and inexplicably attractive.

Charles F. Oxtrot said...

Well, if we could just get visits from a few of the other luminaries of the BlogTrust(TM), we'd basically be winning at everything with this post and comment thread.

On behalf of that aim (winning at everything), I'd like to invite comments from the following celebrities of ethereal expertise and amorphously demonstrated superiority:

1) diane! and I'm tough!
2) Michael J. Smith
3) owen paine
4) Al Schumann
5) Jack Crow
6) Michael Dawson
7) Paul Alexander
8) Jacob Bacharach
9) Fred deBoer
10) Corey Robin
11) melissa mcewan
12) Amanda Marcotte
13) Hugo Schwyzer
14) PZ Myers
15) Anna Holmes
16) Paul Carr
17) David Sirota

Also, I'm soliciting reminders of whatever gaseous cloud I've omitted in the above list. Please, bestow upon us your intellectual generosity! Grace this blog with your unceasing wisdom and incomparable insights!

A. Nonny Mouse, B.S.E.E., M.S.E.E., ADL, ACLU, Randian said...

You forgot Curtis Yarvin.

Charles F. Oxtrot said...

Nonny, I didn't forget Mencius any more than I forgot the Arch-Druid or Stan Goff.

Reading any of those people like like reading the phone book.

Chet Redweld said...

"...like like..."

Chuck - I'm expected to fix that?

Is it a colloquialism without interior comma?

Something else?

Does it even matter?

Pete Antick said...

Sirs,

Further to your post on satire vs parody and indirectly on irony,

how is one to know what exactly is going on here? Successful satire requires that the audience understand not just what is attacked but what is the satirist's view on how the attacked idea is wrong and why. This post fails to do that. I conclude it must be parody or perhaps an awkward attempt at use of irony.

Regards,

P. Antick
Professor of Comedy
HuffPo Online University

John MICHAEL Greer, Supreme Arch-Druid of the North American Land Mass, post-Pangaea and possibly pre-Utopia said...

Professor Antick, GOLD STAR!

Koo Bon-joon said...

We're called LG Electronics now, Mr Greer. If you haven't noticed, our products are very high-quality and we compete favorably with such companies as Apple, Motorola, Toshiba, Sony in various sub-markets within the general consumer electronics market sector.

Soon we shall have a substantive physical presence along the Hudson, in the Palisades, and it will be much more difficult to be relatively ignorant of our global prominence.

Life's Good with LG Electronics!