Wednesday, May 14, 2014

you? you don't know the law!

Last night I watched, for the first time, Anatomy of a Murder. I got only 2/3 through before falling asleep.

You might think, dumbstruck pretender at holistic knowledge, that I fell asleep because the movie sucked. But as we always must remind you here at un-sf, if you're bored that's because you're boring.

I fell asleep because I did a buster of a bike ride after work, and it put me in a state of zombification. And I started watching the 2hr40min movie at 10:30pm, not exactly a smart choice.


I just went to look at what The Consortium of Morons thinks about the movie, by reading reviews at and, as I usually do, starting with the "Hated It" comments.

We can take as example this capsule of brilliance:

This picture was nominated for seven Oscars. I would have nominated it for one more--the most boring picture of 1959. 2.5 hours of black and white boredom despite the always remarkable Jimmy Stewart but I will say this: the real Joseph Welch, the lawyer who got crazy Sen.Joe McCarthy in front of millions of TV watchers and disemboweled him, was an absolute pleasure to watch.A terrific actor and a terrific American. This film was all about missing panties which self-admittedly Lee Remick wore but not always. By the way, the film does not deal with the garment industry but rather with sexual violation. Ben Gazzara shoots and kills a bar owner who raped his wife; clear cut premeditated murder but Ben can't remember "nuthin.'Jimmy Stewart is a laid back lawyer having a miserable practice who's called on to save the day. George C. Scott is great as a hotshot prosecuting attorney but alas...the movie was the lousiest courtroom drama I ever saw.

So, what you're telling us is that "courtroom dramas" have to be surreal, whiz-bang things that make litigation look like warfare in the trenches.

I realize that a lot of litigators use battle metaphors when conducting or reliving a lawsuit. It's a way for milquetoasts to feel heroic. But that has no bearing on whether a "courtroom drama" is supposed to be as action-packed as Die Hard, or as invective-filled as Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

If you're disappointed that a "courtroom drama" isn't fast-moving, exciting, or otherwise phony enough to keep you jittery with anxiety and wanting to bash someone's skull with the judge's gavel, I have to say that's because you know only teevee law. You probably think Glenn Greenwald heroic and the standard for all lawyers to reach and embody.


Litigation is not exciting. It's marginally more exciting than accounting, a few rungs up from actuarial science, and probably far superior to debating with Marxists regarding who has the most faithful interpretation of what Big Beard actually thought.

Someone who reviews Anatomy of a Murder and says it's not exciting enough, well that person should pick a subject that he/she knows well from lifelong experience, and then try to make an exciting movie about it.

When you watched The Machinist, did you complain that it was a "boring" depiction of work in a machine shop?


BroTarzie, Whore of MENSA said...

The problem is that YOU are boring.

Nobody reads you because YOU are boring.

Compare yourself to me. I snark with both testicles fueling my sperm-shot.

You? BORING. You're the reason they call in the Stunt Cock in my porno ventures.

Me? I'm the Stunt Cock.

diane! and I'm tough! said...


Also, SOOOOOOOOOO jealous of Tarzie and SOOOOOOOOOO in love with Tarzie.

If Tarzie wrote the screenplay for a courtroom drama, you'd best believe everyone would rate it no lower than 9/10. Especially if the star was a gay man. Gay men are heroic.

Priscilla Houle-Eaton said...

I never knew Lee Remick was such a loose woman. Otto Preminger clearly was a misogynist. Why else would he make her play such a slut?

I bet Preminger was a Repthuglican.

silverfish pithing consortium said...

Thanks to Tarzie I know all about how to make something exciting. The secret is snark. But not just any snark. The cattiest, most un-breeder, non-cis, gender-bending snark.

Tarzie is the Rex Reed of twitter.

mennonite hoe fracas said...

Unlike you, Tarzie digs into the real dirt of politics. He's an original. NOBODY saw through Glenn Greenwald's poor sartorial aesthetic before Tarzie mentioned it.

diane! and I'm tough! said...

Redweld is Oxy, and Oxy is a corporate lawyer. That's why he's jealous of Tarzie. CORPORATE CORPORATE CORPORATE. Oxy lies because he's a lawyer, and he's jealous of Tarzie because he's CORPORATE and Tarzie is Hipster Vanguard. Who wouldn't be jealous of Tarzie? He has a lot of twitter followers.

Chet Redweld said...

I guess Diane has Philadelphia in her silly-ass Desert Island DVDs list.

@fistupyourass said...

What a jealous schmuck goyim.

Tarzie was the first to break the story of Glenn Greenwald being a grotesque corporate profiteer. NOBODY saw or mentioned that before Tarzie. NOBODY.

Don't try to tell me someone else did. If they're not on twitter, they don't matter.

I'm on twitter whenever I'm not fisting my lover or having him fist me. No, we don't use lube. We like the blood.

diane! and I'm tough! said...

Stupid asshole GOYIM CORPORATE LAWYER, you mean.

BroTarzie, Whore of MENSA said...


Jelly he doesn't have a trust fund like I do.

Jelly his trust fund isn't as big as mine.

Jelly he has to work. Work is for lower class loser breeder corporate assholes.

Jelly he's not technosavvy enough, or willing enough to admit the power of twitter.

Jelly he has no followers on twitter.

Jelly he's not as original as I am.

Jelly he's not sucking a cock right now, like I am.

Chet Redweld said...

Lookit little Tarzie go!

BroTarzie, Whore of MENSA said...

Silly jelly breeder.

We wouldn't watch The Machinist because machine work is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lower class and results in dirty greasy hands, and we don't like dirty greasy hands stuffed up our asses.

Right, @fistupyourass?

Stupid breeder.

Chet Redweld said...

Ever notice how everything Tarzie writes is about sex, and specifically gay sex?

Still very impressed by how Greenwald works this "Tarzie" gambit. A narcissistic masochist would be inclined to love negative commentary.

Say, can anyone remind me where Tarzie actually dissected Glenn Greenwald's legal skills, electronic data security chops, litigation wizardry, or social observation acumen?

Or are all his "criticisms" really about whether Greenwald's got a suitable haircut, acceptable manicure, permissible necktie, or passing choice of footwear?

silverfish pithing consortium said...

You go ahead and let us know when Hollywood green-lights Straight Eye for the Queer Guy, okay?

@fistupyourass said...