Wednesday, May 7, 2014

yaaaaaaaaah bro! so rad! stoked!

I love these reviews written by people who use the review to establish an Online Identity as some variation of the Rad Bro UberGnar Shredmaster Dominator Supreme.

Will it satisfy on the descents?  Yes, I'm sure that's a question that can be answered only by pretending there are incredible subtleties at play here, discernible only by one Eric Melson of Boise ID.  It would be quite impossible to extrapolate likely descending traits from a look at the geometry, a peek at the fork chosen, and a glance at the tires used.

Are you likely to be "surprised by" the climbing performance of a carbon 29er HT designed for XC racing?  Then please, read on as RBUGSDS opines freely with choice wordsmithing on the completely startling experience of climbing on a XC race bike.  Who knew they could go uphill faster than my Nuclear Fission B9G6 v2.0 - now with 650B! wonderbike that is primed to slay every single North American enduro race I have fantasized about entering while I keypunch more numbers and decimal points here at Cubefarm Industries.

Eric Melson on the Trek Superfly 8, Boise, Idaho.

If I had only 6 feet of trailbed width to use in that terrifying garden of man-eating rocks, I'd be shit-scared.  Thankfully RBUGSDS has the cojones to remain relatively calm when faced with the numerous chickenshit lines which allow a completely rock-free experience despite the appearance of frightening human-flesh-rending ROCKS EVERYWHERE.  He doesn't look the least bit tired and seems ready to hop the entire section, doesn't he?  Naturally I'm envious.  I'd be in that brush left of his left elbow, changing into my 2d pair of shorts because I'd just soiled my starting pair at the first sight of the emasculating horror that is this pictured rock garden.

We are duly impressed by him reminding us that he likes MUCH WIDER handlebars.  This proves his serious descending chops and qualifies him as being much more off-roady and enduro-y than the typical XC racer who, it is generally accepted as true, generally is little more than a road rider spending the brief time of a race on dirt.

We are then trebly impressed by RBUGSDS telling us on several occasions that he's familiar with the Yelli Screamy.  Obviously RBUGSDS is a core rider.  He was low and slack well before those East LA dudes were making their lowrider cars.



These guys called War wrote and played this song to foreshadow the birth of Eric Melson, who would one day move onto great things like reviewing bikes for a publication aimed at money-rich-but-time-poor-and-athleticism-absent office drones and other cultural poseurs who may or may not be trustafarians.

But I digress.

*******************

My impression vaulted into the quaternary mode when I saw RBUGSDS tell us he would rather run 2.4 tires F/R on an XC race bike. This proves he's gnar and tackles only the toughest trails with quick-take pictures of posed almost-trackstand status:

Eric Melson on the Trek Superfly 8, Boise, Idaho.

Wisely he has chosen to carry zero speed into the frightening feature his front wheel is about to encounter.  Good job, dude.  Slower is better here.

I bet he is doing a head-fake here, and actually plans to bang a left at the bottom of that scary two-ledged horror-house.

This guy is so rad.  I'm going to buy whatever he says is good.

Also, I'm gonna make sure I promote him and the linked review wherever I can.  Grow the sport, dudes.

7 comments:

Harold Caidagh said...

Chet, do you even know how to ride a bike? I heard somewhere that you failed several times during childhood when trying to learn. I heard you have balance issues and are generally sorta un-coordinated where athletics are concerned.

Chet Redweld said...

I don't know how knowing how to ride a bike matters at all. I have an opinion, and I want to express it.

Hal, as near as I can tell there's no longer any semblance of personal integrity required in order to be a well-regarded, well-liked person. In fact it's sort of opposite that. The most well-respected and well-liked people are those who seem to have a healthy dose of grifter, a generous helping of identity-chameleon, an abundant serving of hubris, and a plump or maybe pregnant sense of narcissistic focus in all things.

My opinions therefore do not need to be informed by experience. What matters most is that I have opinions and what matters next is that if I have such opinions, you must treat them as being equal in value to anyone who has actual experience.

Anything else is bigoted elitism.

stuckinsidemyonlineidentity said...

Blow it out your ass, Caidagh. The Ardent rolls slow as shit, and I came to that opinion honestly. Besides, I've been telling people to "get the red ones" on TGR for 3 years now, which makes me a serious insider with lots of respect from the community.

Van Keuvre said...

This Caidagh fellow sounds to me like someone who wants everyone to go back to canti brakes and rigid frames. Wake up Caidagh, it's 2014 and the world has changed to something much better. Much more progressive and frankly, elitism like yours is reason for punishment including being banned from online communication.

RedBull Ronny said...

FUKK YEAH BROS! FUKKIN TEAR IT DOWN BITCHES!

Fukkin lycra wearing pussies riding carbon 29er xc hardtails don't know anything about what we BEHEMOTHS are up to up here in VALHALLA with the VALKYRIES bitches!

Smash Caidagh's balls right now!

DDS Class of 2018 said...

What about a DROPPER POST! It's not going to fit right? This is an XC bike and you can't use an ALL MOUNTAIN DROPPER POST on an XC bike right?

What is it with those XC racers who won't use a DROPPER POST? Sissyboys? Not radical or gnarly enough? I guess it's yes to that one, they wear lycra after all. Bunch of pansies look like they're going to a girls yoga class or some messed-up parade in the gay part of town.

Priscilla Houle-Eaton said...

I'm rather disgusted by the homophobia and misogyny I see in this comment thread and in Redweld's post above. My husband and I are both avid bikers and our Prius has a Kuat rack that fits our bikes perfectly. I've never encountered anyone who didn't want to grow the sport to include all walks of life. We really enjoy the smooth paths and to be honest, that first picture looks dangerous. If I lived in Boise I would be an activist lobbying the local land use entities to allow removal of those dangerous rocks, which only lead to injury if left in the ground wherever people are riding or walking or jogging or pushing a baby jogger.

Towns should be more welcoming and considerate about those dangers. I've heard that the trails in Fruita Colorado used to be really dangerous -- narrow, with rocks and cactus thorns everywhere. I heard that after a few years of festivals there, the locals wisely made the trails 4x wider, and removed almost all of the rocks and cactus. That's the template as far as I'm conerned. That's how you generate tourism income, and it's how you grow the sport.

I think people like Caidagh are bad for the sport, and honestly I think the courts should do something about him and his attitudes.