Thursday, May 8, 2014

More Reactionary Violence Invades Missoula from Ravalli County

story by Keelah Shpawler
Staff Writer for The Gentrifier

Gaia Snefler and Ras Dreadmon sharing a little Michael Franti outside Plonk.  iPhone photo by Chad Sharkissen.

While Missoula has always enjoyed a reputation as the most progressive town in the Rocky Mountains, lately it's become so progressive that reactionaries are getting violent with micro-aggressions everywhere you turn.

Gaia Snefler and Ras Dreadmon are first-year students at the University of Montana School of Law and, nearing the end of that first year, recently decided to blow off some steam with a friendly bar crawl on their fixies. They began the night at James Bar, moved on to Tamarack Brewery, then hopped over to Red Bird Wine Bar, followed by a saunter to Montgomery Distillery. At Montgomery they ran into classmates Chad Sharkissen and Panda Reed-Blaumann, and decided to hit Plonk next, followed by a groovy sushi dinner at Sushi Hana. It sounded like the perfect night for refined inebriation. And it was, right up until the moment they exited Plonk and tried to slide on over to Sushi Hana.

Once they hit the sidewalk outside Plonk, they encountered two dirty-looking scumbags who likely drove up from Darby after a day of killing trees. One of the scumbags began laughing at Gaia and Ras as they were talking about Michael Franti and whether his Spearhead albums were better than his solo work. According to Dreadmon, the rude logger type mocked Snefler's iPod for being purple and asked if he could see the playlist. Dreadmon assures us that there was menace in the logger type's voice, and easily detected streaks of misogyny and homophobia in the wording.

Sharkissen and Reed-Blaumann were checking their facebook and twitter profiles, respectively, as the altercation was brewing. Reed-Blaumann confirms that Dreadmon's appraisal of menace, misogyny and homophobia was accurate, and she notes that at some point she stopped paying attention to her twitter profile and pulled up her Contacts to find the 911 entry. Sincerely believing that her life and the lives of classmates were at risk, she quickly dialed 911 and advised that some violent reactionaries with 13 plates were assaulting upstanding citizens outside Plonk.

Star-calibre Missoula PD trooper Shawn Pavlov responded to the scene.  According to Pavlov, "the stupid redneck assholes with 13 plates need a clear message to stay out of Missoula, and I was first on the scene to deliver that message with all the force allowed me under my badge.  I strap on the badge and gun every day, putting my life on the line to protect Missoula's fine progressive residents from the reactionary rednecks who jealously invade our town causing mayhem and violence everywhere they go."

Three cheers for Trooper Pavlov, who quickly restrained the two logger types and stuffed them into a squad car for transport to the City Jail, where they were held at a bail amount of $100,000 apiece.  Judge Whipcracker, who assumed the municipal bench after the retirement of spineless friend-of-the-criminal-element Judge Hloudum, confided to this author that she knew neither Darbarian could raise that amount.

The defendants currently await their unannounced arraignment date in the county facility on Mullan Road.

Trooper Pavlov received a commendation and promotion.

As for their parts, Reed-Blaumann, Sharkissen, Dreadmon and Snefler reconstituted their evening with a rejuvenating round of sake at Sushi Hana.  The Missoula Downtown Association awarded each of them a $1,000 credit voucher good at no fewer than 75% of downtown vendors.  Let's hope they all earn 4.0s this semester!


Keelah Shpawler said...


Missoula Public Defender Wiesel E. Dzielefich was asked to comment on the bail amounts set by Judge Whipcracker. His response?

"Who am I to second-guess the Judge? She has more experience with the law than I do. All these clients of the PD office are lying scumbag criminal losers, and most of them have 13 plates, and frankly, I didn't move to Missoula to deal with uncouth redneck types. I don't see what's wrong with cleaning up the town."

I'm sure you join me in thanking Mr. Dzielefich for his principled execution in the role of public defender.

Keelah Shpawler

Priscilla Houle-Eaton said...

I'm liking the new direction of the court under Judge Whipcracker, and it's good to see she's influencing the previously-incompetent-but-slowly-improving public defender's office.

I agree with Mr. Dzielefich. I didn't move to Missoula to encounter unwashed, uncultured hooligans, loggers, ranch hands, or other reactionary misogynist homophobes. Missoula's definitely a happening town with a lot of great eateries bistros brewpubs distilleries and winebars, but it's not as beautiful and perfect as I've long imagined it should be.

I'm thinking about running for the County Commissioners and lobbying for a wall to be built at the south end of Missoula County. If we can't do that, maybe I will run for City Council or Mayor and work to wall off the city. If we have a $100/day entrance fee at the wall gates, that will keep out the riff-raff.

Harold Caidagh said...

I thought Prissy lived in McBoulder, Neuwestia.


Chet Redweld said...

There's a lot to be learned about Prissy, Hal. Have I shown you the deposition transcript? I don't think I have. Stop by my office tomorrow, I'll give you a copy.