part 1 here
part 2 here
part 3 here
PBH: It's now 1:15pm and I'm resuming the diagnostic interview of Harold Caidagh at the Neuwestia State Mental Hospital. Is everyone prepared?
HC: I've been ready since before 1 pm, but I'm sure Lyspe had to swallow some semen during lunch, which put him out of mind for timeliness. Can't those buttfucking poochies keep their cocks in their pants for one hour?
LSL: OBJECTION! My glorious sexuality, which obviously causes Caidagh great envy, it is not the focus of this interview nor our occasion for gathering here today. Besides, it was my partner doing the swallowing, not me. Stop oppressing gays, Caidagh. You are such a bigot homophobe misogynist reactionary! Why don't you just go play with your friends in the Tea Party and spend all your time worshiping Ron Paul and Sarah Palin? So tacky.
CBR: As usual, Lyspe is using this forum to try to build an indirect argument which supposedly will destroy my client's reputation, and is showboating with his sad cries of "objection." Doctor, would you please resume the interview?
LSL: OBJECTION! I OBJECT to Redweld's highly objectionable comments! Plus he's ordering my expert around again, and moreover, he's prejudiced against gays. HOMOPHOBE!
CBR: Lyspe, how would you know my attitude about homosexuality and people who practice it for carnal pleasure?
LSL: OMIGOD! IT THINKS! IT SPEAKS! THE REACTIONARY LIVES!
CBR: Is that some kind of hidden inside joke?
LSL: OMIGOD! LOL! ROFL! I think Redweld is jelly.
CBR: Did you actually just scream "loll" and "roffel" as if they are words we should respect and use?
CBR: Doctor, please resume the interview. Lyspe can go practice his supposedly funny, observational alleged humor at some other time. My client and I have more on our plates than practice sessions for Lyspe's strange stand-up un-comedy routine.
PBH: Mister Caidagh, let's talk about your blog.
HC: I don't have a blog.
PBH: I mean the universal non-stick formula blog.
PBH: Your entries seemed to spend a lot of time being angry, and making fun of people.
HC: What seems is not what is. The whole concept of something "seeming" a certain way has nothing to do with what actually is happening.
PBH: You were not making fun of people?
HC: Oh I was. I do that all the time.
PBH: Doesn't that make you an elitist?
HC: Define elitist for me.
PBH: One who thinks he is superior, and thus in a tiny minority of superior people. One who insists everyone must be superior as he is. One who looks down on others, and doesn't find commonality with others.
HC: So -- you don't have a dictionary handy?
PBH: Excuse me please, but what does that mean?
LSL: OBJECTION! Caidagh the homophobic bigot reactionary misogynist is making fun of my expert and trying to undercut her self-assurance.
CBR: I'm sure we've heard enough of your characterizations of my client, Lyspe.
HC: I don't care what Lyspe calls me or alleges to be my person, my perspective or my set of beliefs. Lyspe doesn't know me and never has, so whatever he calls me is just made-up fiction that is serving some ulterior motive he harbors.
LSL: OBJECTION! I HAVE NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES!
HC: You're the most un-funny comedian there is, Lyspe.
LSL: OBJECTION! I KNOCK THEM DEAD AT AMATEUR STANDUP NITE!
HC: You are trying to convince yourself with those assertions, aren't you?
LSL: OBJECTION! I'M NOT INSECURE AND I HAVE GREAT SELF-ESTEEM!
HC: Keep telling yourself that. Remember, if you say it, it has to be true. You are the source of all wisdom and honesty.
CBR: This is going nowhere. Doctor, please -- you have 30 minutes to wrap up this interview. Lyspe said it would take no more than 2 hours. We've now been here for five hours and nothing substantive has been developed in your interview. This is a complete waste of time. Lyspe, I'm going to file a motion to disqualify Doctor Houle-Eaton and render inadmissible the substance of this interview.
LSL: OBJECTION! You are being obnoxiously objectionably homophobic! And misogynistic! And reactionary! And, worst of all, BORING!
PBH: Mister Redweld, I apologize for this interview taking so long. I'll try to wrap it up.
LSL: OBJECTION! This interview isn't over until I SAY IT'S OVER.
CBR: Doctor, please -- continue.
PBH: Mister Caidagh, are you a bigot?
HC: About what?
PBH: It's a simple question. Are you a bigot?
HC: About what?
PBH: Yes or no. Are you a bigot?
HC: About what?
PBH: Mister Caidagh, are you a reactionary?
HC: About what?
PBH: In general. As an outlook. Do you favor keeping things the same as they are now, regardless of how much progress you block with that perspective?
HC: My perspective blocks progress?
PBH: Because you don't want things to change.
HC: You mean kinda like how you don't want to accept that I'm not what your theories allege, because that would require you to change?
LSL: OBJECTION! Caidagh is not here to ask questions of my expert!
HC: If she asks me a supposed question but her alleged question contains numerous assumptions which do not apply to me, I feel entitled to qualify what she is asking, if for no reason other than finding the truth.
LSL: OBJECTION! THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE TRUTH! TRUTH IS SUBJECTIVE! GAYS ARE HEROES!
HC: Excuse me?
LSL: MY LAWSUIT AGAINST YOU DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE TRUTH.
CBR: Doctor, please resume.
PBH: Mister Caidagh, are you a misogynist?
HC: Define misogynist for me.
PBH: One who hates women. One who doesn't respect women.
HC: This is funny. So your theories assume that I hate and disrespect women, eh?
PBH: Yes. My forensic dissection of your blog posts indicates that you are a homophobic bigot reactionary misogynist.
HC: And yet none of those important points is true.
PBH: Only because I forgot to add one more qualifier -- you are a liar.
HC: Really? I'm a liar? About what?
PBH: When you say you're not a misogynist you're lying. When you say you're not a homophobe you're lying. When you say you're not a reactionary you're lying. When you say you're not a bigot you're lying.
HC: I see. And how do you know this? You are somehow able to read my mind and learn my innermost thoughts?
PBH: Yes. That's what my 3 degrees prove. They prove I'm able to discern your most secret, embarrassing beliefs -- even the ones you're not aware of yourself.
HC: Really? I thought they proved only that you were able to pay for all the coursework necessary to satisfy an institution's recipe for degree issuance.
PBH: Oh no. I had to pass the courses, not just pay for them.
HC: So there was a high failure rate at each institution that granted a degree to you, in the same fields in which you earned your degrees?
PBH: I graduated in the top 25% of my class at every step of the way.
HC: I didn't really expect you to answer honestly.
PBH: Mister Caidagh, I think we've established today that you are a bigot, a reactionary, a homophobe, and a misogynist -- and most of all, a manipulative liar who has definite anger management issues and quite possibly a streak of sociopathic impulsivity.
HC: You sure do like to think things that aren't so.
PBH: And I think we've established that your activity at universal non-stick formula was and is designed to produce sociopathic, homophobic, bigoted and reactionary results in Neuwestian society as well as the larger society of the USA, and therefore GRH's lawsuit will succeed.
HC: I'm impressed by the power of your delusions.
PBH: And lastly, I think this interview has established my professionalism, my competence, and my fairmindedness.
LSL: Amen to that!
HC: Walter Mitty.
CBR: Well, this has been an interesting day. Are you finished Doctor?
LSL: OBJECTION! Redweld is trying to force my expert to end the interview!
PBH: Nearly finished. In conclusion, it is my professional opinion that Harold Caidagh is a sociopathic misogynist bigot reactionary homophobe who is a pathological liar, and it is my further professional opinion that universal non-stick formula is the nerve center of all misogyny, homophobia, mendacity, reactionary thought, bigotry and sociopathic destruction of all good civility and sophistication found in modern society.
HC: That's a swell speech. Terrific use of projection!
CBR: So we're finished now?
PBH: This is Doctor Priscilla Houle-Eaton and it is now 1:45 PM and I am concluding the diagnostic interview of the clearly sociopathic homophobe Harold Caidagh. I hope the transcript of this interview promotes justice and protects oppressed gays everywhere.
HC: It's a shame Prissy couldn't come up with a single question that was useful, and I guess that's why she is speechifying now.
CBR: That's it. Stenographer, please close the transcript now.