Friday, February 7, 2014

zamboni

Real exchanges had with real meatspace friends who have read my blog.

*************

"Dude.  Do you actually think that shit you write is funny?  It looks to me like pure hate and unadulterated anger."

"I'm laughing.  You're not.  Maybe I should take you to task for putting mayonnaise on your cheeseburger, you idiot bastard.  Mayonnaise doesn't belong anywhere near a burger and holy fuck, would you stop putting it on your fucking fries already?"

*************

"How come you never pick on Republicans?  Looks to me like you're a Republican.  For fuck's sake, you always disagree with my progressive political views."

"So I have to be a Republican if I am not a progressive?  Got it.  Thanks.  I never realized my choices were so limited."

*************

"Your blog reads like it is written by someone who hates women.  So you're actually a misogynist and that's why you're not married."

"And here I thought that I'm not married because I don't want to be married.  Thanks for clearing that up for me."

*************

"You must be gay.  At your age, unmarried, and posting homophobic insults on your blog?  Gay.  Just come out of the closet already.  We'll still like you.  We might even like you more."

"So you'll only like me and continue to be my friend if I lie, and say I'm gay.  And I'm the bigot?"

*************

"Dude, why do you hate Jews so much?"

"I don't hate Jews any more than I hate Irish Catholics."

*************

"Dude what exactly is the source of comedy in your blog?  I don't think I get it."

"I don't know.  To me comedy is like what flavor ice cream you prefer.  I can't explain why I'd rather eat chocolate or coffee or strawberry ice cream instead of vanilla, peach, rocky road or vanilla fudge."

"But how is that shit funny?"

"You ever laugh at George Carlin?  Bill Hicks?  Lenny Bruce?  Dave Chappelle?  Don Rickles?  Monty Python skits?"

"You're not trying to say you're a comic genius like them, are you?  Because that would be absurd."

"Why don't you just go back to the ice cream analogy, then?"

8 comments:

Harold Caidagh said...

I forgot this one.

************

"So what do you do for a living?"

"I teach skiing. And I write really bad, unpopular satire that nobody reads and even fewer people find funny."

"I thought you were a lawyer."

"Past tense. Well, I guess it's past tense. It's not like race, gender, eye color."

"So you never passed the bar?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, I can't imagine someone being a lawyer and not using that to make money. I'm guessing you don't practice law because you haven't passed the bar."

"Hmmm. I can't say I've ever looked at it that way."

"So you have passed the bar."

"I've passed a few of them, actually."

"And you're not practicing?"

"No."

"What are you, lazy?"

Harold Caidagh said...

The person above did NOT ask for my blog URL.

Simeon Snarkovitz said...

Maybe you should stop treating every exchange as an opportunity to display your satirical, sarcastic, ironic sensiblities and love of comic distortions?

After reading this post I have to imagine you don't have any friends and are busy re-imagining these random exchanges with strangers as conversations with actual friends. If I talked to my friends like that, I'd quickly have no friends and I'd probably be divorced.

Maybe those remarks you got were good advice? Maybe you should listen to those people?

Paddy O'Fearnidhuir said...

I gotta meet this guy. Hates Jews and Irish Catholics equally. Is there anything he likes? Anything at all?

Name Withheld So I Can Be Honest said...

As one of the two or three (is it even three...that seems a stretch) female friends you have, I must confess that I agree your blog is very misogynist and I would agree that's why you're still single.

--a friend

Harold Caidagh said...

I bet y'all didn't know I had a friend named Alison Friend.

Alison, are you sure it isn't my lack of a prestigious job with 6-figure income?

Name Withheld So I Can Be Honest said...

This isn't Alison.

Do your readers know you're an Irish Catholic? Probably not.

See, this is the problem with your so-called "humor." People would have to know you really well, at a deep personal level, to understand that what you write here is humor and not angry lashing out at the world of people you despise.

You tend to treat your friends the same way, you're pretty mysterious and many of your friends know little about you. And you are sarcastic more often than you're serious, but people can't tell when you're serious versus sarcastic so they're going to think you're serious. Not only that, a lot of people don't like sarcasm, a lot don't understand irony, absurdity confuses many, and insult comedy is distasteful to most people I know. Then on top of all that, most of your friends are progressives, and you spend a lot of time insulting progressives on this blog. What else are they going to think?

I'm surprised you still have as many friends as you do. I agree with Simeon above, actually.

--a friend

Harold Caidagh said...

Jesus beef jerky christ! Why don't you just write a user's manual while you're at it, "a friend."