Tuesday, February 18, 2014

new suit, custom-tailored by the emperor's own bespoke seamster

Law Offices of Chester B. Redweld
5291 Scheperdeis Court
McBoulder, Neuwestia 50189
(555) 431-8902

February 18, 2014
Transmitted via email

Harold Caidagh, Proprietor
Universal Non-Stick Formula

RE:  Gays R Heroes, LLC vs. Universal Non-Stick Formula and Harold Caidagh, Neuwestia District Court, Docket No. 2014-01485.

Dear Mr. Caidagh:

Thank you for retaining me to defend your interests in the above-named litigation.  I have reviewed the complaint in all its particulars, and am preparing an appropriate answer along with a motion to dismiss the complaint for failure to state a claim upon which relief may be granted.

Please let me take a few moments to give you my general impressions of the lawsuit's validity and the risks posed to yourself and your online publication activities.

Generally, the types of injuries alleged by the GRH plaintiffs are not quantifiable in any meaningful way, and therefore the litigation proceeds as a matter of emotional appeals and, to be frank, showmanship on the part of the plaintiffs' counsel and the various witnesses who may be offered at trial.

While I am not often persuaded to tell clients to think of television legal dramas when they are confronted with an actual lawsuit in real life, in this case, with this lawsuit, I would suggest that you prepare yourself for histrionics, hamfisted acting, outright lying, and people trying to become overnight celebrities via one lawsuit's exposure to courtroom time.

In other words, when you think of how this lawsuit will play out, think of the most poorly written and sloppily acted TV courtroom drama, crossed with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills -- and that may help you understand how this litigation will proceed if we cannot succeed in our motion to dismiss.

What is at stake for you and your publication?  Well, to be blunt, the plaintiffs want not only to shut down your website, but also to silence you permanently.  They would like you banished from all internet-based and cloud-computing-based activity of all types.  They also seek the extreme recourse of silencing you in your actual physical, non-internet, non-ethereal activities.  Effectively they want to have the court issue a "gag order" to silence you from all proclamations of any kind.  Also, they are seeking the broad scope of silencing you during all your waking hours.  This would mean that they want you silenced even if you are behind closed doors in your own personal dwelling.

The only ground their desired gag order does not cover is possible talking-while-asleep.  And to be honest, I'm sure this omission is but an oversight on their part.

Those are the civil remedies the plaintiffs are pursuing in the litigation you have asked me to handle for you.

To my present knowledge, they are not pursuing any criminal charges.  However, given the scope, tone and tenor of the complaint in the civil lawsuit we should not rule out their lobbying of the state attorney general, the county attorney, and the city attorney for prosecution under some conjured criminal offense.  These plaintiffs are angry, and they appear to be interested in punishing you as much as is possible within whatever is the permissible scope of the law as of February 2014.

Given the soft, unquantifiable nature of the injuries and damages alleged, we are essentially dealing with a thumbnail version of the mudslinging types of political discussion that are commonplace in America right now.  The plaintiffs will use hot-button emotional appeals toward jurors' empathies and sympathies in these general arenas:

* bullying
* bigotry
* homophobia
* misogyny
* racism

Their strategy will be to paint you as a "reactionary" who fears "progress" and especially "social" or "cultural" kinds of "progress."  They will assert you are a Republican and will likely present witnesses who compare you to the Tea Party, Ayn Rand fans, Rush Limbaugh fans, Ann Coulter fans, Glenn Beck fans.  They will, in essence, play up the Democrat vs Republican dynamic at play in America today, and they will pitch their arguments as Democrats, and tar you with the Republican affiliation.

I don't know your political thoughts or associations, Mr. Caidagh, and I do not know how much time you spend following arguments in the media or on campaign trails, or down at the local bar or coffee shop.  If you are not familiar with the style of political argument used in 2014, I would advise you to familiarize yourself with it, as soon as possible.  This will help you prepare for the kinds of arguments the plaintiffs will advance.

In short, it would be best to view this lawsuit as a character assassination vehicle, with ambitions toward silencing you permanently.

On the positive side, I can offer this small comfort:  be thankful we are not completely converted into a totalitarian police state, and be grateful that the plaintiffs are a small interest group and not the national Democratic Party.  Even if they succeed on every claim and receive every requested remedy, they cannot have you killed.  So there's some small comfort in that.

I will have the answer and motion to dismiss prepared by the end of this week, and will forward a final draft of each as soon as I have them ready.  Meanwhile, please call me if you have any questions.



Chet Redweld


Priscilla Houle-Eaton said...

I fully support Gays R Heroes, LLC and am hopeful that their lawsuit results in a complete silencing of this homophobe bigot reactionary Caidagh.

I disagree with Redweld. It's not a comfort that we can't have Caidagh killed. I'd like to see him planted six feet under. Him and every other reactionary like him.

That would make me happy.

BroTarzie, Whore of MENSA said...

Anyone who is as terminally boring and hopelessly homophobic as Caidagh deserves to die, but since he's so homophobically boring and so closeted and so resistant to my attempts to get him to like me, I think I'm going to have to go that one step further and talk to my friend Icepick Izzy to get Caidagh permanently offed.

It's the least I can do for my gay bros.

Priscilla Houle-Eaton said...

Tarzie, thank you for that heroic decision.

I was wondering if you might be able to persuade Izzy to give you a 2-for-1 deal, and handle this Redweld character as well.

That would make me very happy. And you want to make me happy, don't you Tarzie?

diane! and I'm tough! said...

You SOOOOOOOOOO want to make Priscilla happy, Tarzie.

Pedobear Sully said...

I've been saving up a lot of snarky hate for just this kind of heroic public interest litigation. Just wait and see what I unleash when this suit breaks into national media coverage.

Best Lawyer/Liar You Know said...

I don't know if you got my drift when I posted under the Tarzie identity, but I intend to see this Caidagh asshole and his hack mail-order-law-degree lawyer terminated with prejudice.

I'm Glenn Greenwald, and you have my word on it.

diane! and I'm tough! said...

I don't know who that is pretending to be Glenn Greenwald, but anyone who worships Tarzie like I do knows that Tarzie and Greenwald are not the same person. Tarzie spent 6 essays criticizing Greenwald on his hairstyle, his choice of shoes, and the kinds of necktie he wears on-camera. Clearly they're not the same person.

Rick Ellensburg said...

It would seem that someone is jealous of Glenn Greenwald's accomplishments.

Why else sling mud at the most heroic journalist at work today?

Why else offer lying insults about the genius constitutional lawyer who is helping Pierre Omidyar give us real journalism untainted by corporate money?

Carl Ellers said...

I've been reading Glenn Greenwald since 2006 and anyone who thinks he's not a heroic expert on civil rights, information technology, national security, constitutional law, and generally being a genius -- well, that person is obviously a paid shill working for the CIA or NSA.

Ellison said...

Most of these people criticizing Greenwald are jealous because they've never been cited in Congress, don't have any books published, and weren't approached by billionaires to start a new journalism entity.

I guess when you're that jealous, lying is easy.

Thomas Ellers said...

Whenever one of these bottom-rung bloggers gets all cocky and tries to pick on Glenn Greenwald, you can just smell the jealousy emanating from their blog.

I'd be jealous too, if I didn't have 3 books published and wasn't regularly referenced by major media outlets as a constitutional law expert.

You can understand the jealousy, though. Edward Snowden didn't contact some gutterbound invisible blogger.

He contacted Glenn Greenwald.

Randa said...

Of all the people I've known in my privileged life moving among the world's richest and toniest cultures, Glenn Greenwald is the one true hero.

It's no wonder Edward Snowden chose him to get the word out. What a combination! Snowden the brilliant master of corporate espionage, and Greenwald the high-dollar, mega-brainpower scribe.

You're just jealous, and for good reason. You don't have any of the accomplishments Greenwald and Snowden have, and you're not even a handsome hipster like either man.

Chet Redweld said...

Mr Caidagh,

You can see already from the above comments how this lawsuit is going to play out.

diane! and I'm tough! said...

Don't forget Tarzie. Tarzie is not only a journalistic genius, he's also got a keen sense of snark and a wonderful, fabulous eye for fashion and style.

diane! and I'm tough! said...

Plus he's never boring.

Prof. Corey Robin, Leading Expert said...

As America's foremost expert on Reactionaries and all the horrible things they are trying to force onto the good progressives of America, I will be assisting Gays R Heroes, LLC in this lawsuit in an expert witness capacity.

Since nobody has a higher or more powerful internet profile than I do on the subject of Reactionaries and the Reactionary Mind, we can basically consider this lawsuit a grand slam victory for GRH. There is no way this clown Caidagh and his night-school, passed-the-bar-only-after-25-attempts "lawyer" will be able to persuade the jurors, or the American people, that Caidagh's blog is not dangerous, is not Reactionary, and does not deserve to be completely and permanently silenced.

I'm the expert here. Not Caidagh. And certainly not that joke who goes by the name Chester Redweld.