Monday, October 28, 2013

BREAKING NEWS!

28 October 2013
Sao Paolo, Brazil

Shocking revelation:  US Department of Agriculture, US Forest Service Division, admits that it has been spying on ecosystems to achieve timber counts.

by Glenn Greenwald

For the first time since I began my heroic blogging efforts in 2005, I have been stunned to near-unconsciousness by the revelations accrued by my diligent pursuit of The Truth About Our Federal Government. 

Approximately 5 months ago, I was contacted by Michel Mousse, a former insider with the US Forest Service by virtue of private contract employment with Yogi-BooBoo, Inc. (YBBI).  Monsieur Mousse was hired by YBBI to fly over USFS timber holdings and make approximate timber counts for the purpose of appraising which districts within the USFS held the most dense timber strands. 

As Mousse told me about this work, I did not see anything untoward in the labor nor the fruits thereof as managed by USFS. 

However, after a dream I had two nights later, following a zesty 2-hour session of intimate relations with my partner, it dawned on me:  the USFS wasn't just counting trees.  It wasn't just checking the timber density as a proxy for forest health.

No, the real ugly truth lurking behind Monsieur Mousse's revelations was this:  the US Forest Service intends to permit timber cuts on those dense timber strands which are nearest to existing logging roads.

Let me repeat this again, so that you may allow it to sink in, reader.

The US Forest Service allows logging.  And it pays contractors like Michel Mousse a healthy premium to enable the logging.

Clearly, I have uncovered evidence of heretofore unknown treachery, and obviously, I am a heroic journalist who is performing the journalistic equivalent of conducting alchemy while walking on hot coals.  Bare-footed.

Nobody has ever told you about this before.  You did not know that the US Forest Service was engaged in timber extraction.  Even if you thought you knew that, you did not.  Even if you may have guessed as much, through simple skepticism and pessimism, you did not know it as a fact.

And now you do.

Thanks to me.

I will continue to perform such heroic labors as I move forward into my new position with Pierre Omidyar.  But in the meantime, remember:  this is breaking news, a huge scoop that nobody has covered before.

The US Forest Service is, indeed, engaged in timber counting and timber extraction.

This is a dire threat to our civil rights.

Please send your donations to Pierre Omidyar.  Help us get our fledgeling dissident rebel revolutionary media outlet running at full speed.  Your civil rights depend on it.  My millionaire status depends on it.

UPDATE:

Not 10 minutes after I posted the above, I was contacted by Paul Pachitpuhl, former employee of the US Department of Treasury, Internal Revenue Service, who advised me that he has credible evidence of IRS examination of personal income records.  Once again, my yeomanlike heroistic journalism is uncovering vital truths that will help reform America.  Please remember to donate, and donate often.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

tiger tamers

"Dood, Obamacare is glorious.  There aren't any problems with it.  And if there are problems, they are due to the Republicans."

"No shit?  Brohambleton, I thought Obamacare was Romneycare.  Romney was the GOP candidate for POTUS in 2012, wasn't he?"

"Dood, Romneycare was authored by Good, Noble Massachusetts Democrats.  It's called Romneycare because Romney was governor when it passed."

"Really, brohambleton?  You mean the GOP opposed it in MA, even though Romney signed it into MA law?"

"Precisely, dood.  Romneycare is Donkeycare.  Romney just took credit for it."

"Brohambleton, I heard that Obamacare is Romneycare with more perks for the traditional GOP power base -- insurers, quasi-insurance HMOs, Big Pharma, Big Medicine.  That's not true?"

"Impossible, dood.  Obamacare hates the GOP and its traditional power base.  Obamacare is noble, kind, pure-hearted, generous, and most of all, Donkeyphilic.  It is progressive, dood."

"Bro, can you list for me the ways in which Obamacare limits the excess profits of those traditional GOP power base entities and sectors?"

"Dood.  If you don't believe me, you're obviously a DINO and a reactionary, and probably a homophobe and definitely a misogynist."

"No, seriously brohambleton.  For example, insurance companies' biggest operating expense is marketing.  Obamacare eliminates marketing expenses for participating insurers.  As a budgetary matter for an insurer, the marketing savings alone could fund the plan for those who participate."

"Dood, where'd you make up that bullshit?  The He-Man Woman Haters Club?  You sound like someone who wants to control women's uteri."

"Bro, did you know Kathleen Sibelius has been buddy-buddy with Big Insurance for about 20 years?  And Obama put her in charge of Obamacare.  How do you figure that Obamacare is a step forward?  How does it contain costs?"

"Dood, when you talk about cost containment you sound like you want nurses who are unwed mothers to have to starve their children, or deprive them of new clothes for the upcoming school year.  Or make them have an unhappy Christmas.  Why do you hate unwed mothers?  You sound like a reactionary.  And not only do you sound like a misogynist.  You are one.  You prove that by criticizing Obamacare and Sibelius."

Saturday, October 26, 2013

eerie unsubversive bull

Gaspar Noe made a provocative movie a few years back.  Essentially it's about a rape and the victim's friends getting revenge by finding and stomping the rapist.

On the way to finding the rapist, the two shadetree vigilantes track him to a gay sex club.  The movie titillates gay viewers with scenes of men doing all kinds of sexual things with/to each other. 

When I watched the movie, I had to FF through the gay sex club scenes because I began to throw up as I saw the french poodles pawing each other etc.  But that portion of the movie is memorable because it's a perfect image for 2013 "dissident" journalism in America.

In 2013, the only thing you need to be taken seriously as a "dissident" is to be a gay man.  And the only thing you need to remain free of any criticism from other, more serious "dissidents" is to be a gay man.

You see, the Real Dissidents in America circa 2013 are gay men.

Everyone else is a homophobic reactionary.

Hero of the century, Ben Vereensballs, has just landed a multi-million dollar job with a Saudi billionaire in which Vereensballs will helm a "dissident" journalistic outlet which promises to be almost as radical as Arianna Huffington's gossip rag and fashion commentary journal for girlygirls, metrosexual men, and french poodles.

Pierre Omidyar is my new boyfriend.  Sorry, David Miranda.

The person gaining the most twitter and google hits for pseudo-criticism of Vereensballs is another french poodle who names himself after a Diamond Dog moon-howl, and who writes exactly like a 17 year old boy who just decided he's a poodle and who, as a result, is eager to either fuck or scream snark at every hetero male classmate he sees.  The Q of fuck or snark has much to do with poodle's ability to persuade the male classmate in question toward experimenting with poodle petting.  If the male classmate spurns poodle petting, pseudo-critic issues hot-headed snark.  If the male classmate welcomes the poodle petting, pseudo-critic anticipates a fuck.  And so it goes.

Sweetie, when I dye my fur black you think I'm someone else.

Pseudo-critic has raped the keyboard of his computer to the tune of about 7 essays on the subject of Vereensballs.  In each essay, pseudo-critic saunters hip-swayingly toward the status of actually saying something sincerely critical about Vereensballs, but then, at the last moment, pseudo-critic offers some kind of apology for what Vereensballs has been doing.  Apparently, in pseudo-critic's world, Vereensballs is a terrific guy with a big, humanity-loving heart who just occasionally takes a mis-step, and these mis-steps have to do mostly with process.

Pseudo-critic believes everything Vereensballs has said publicly regarding Fake Eddie Snowball's supposed theft of natsec-threatening Double Secret Probation Worthy e-dox during his tenure with Hamilton Joe Frank & Reynolds, NSA Songwriting Contractor.

I snuck away from Hamilton Joe Frank & Reynolds
with a big pile of acorns!

Pseudo-critic thinks Vereensballs only has slipped up in the management of the gigantic gaggle of Secret Squirrel information.  Pseudo-critic also has said repeatedly that Vereensballs is a heroic kind of guy whose ability to be fully heroic was undone by Vereensballs' managers at Guardian UK.  In other words, if those guys at Guardian UK hadn't been so queasy and indecisive, pseudo-critic assures us, Vereensballs could have broken open the gates of American Revolution.  Damn those bad-toothed Brits and their decorum!  They have prevented Vereensballs from full Hero embodiment.

Don't be so rancid, sweetie.  Vereensballs is a brilliant guy who
simply had the misfortune of others taking advantage of his trustful nature.

************

If you bother reading pseudo-critic closely, and examine his stated arguments as well as his comment thread apologetics, you will see that pseudo-critic actually is apologizing repeatedly for Vereensballs.  The entire effort looks to be Public Relations, Negative Publicity Subsection activity on behalf of Vereensballs.  Pseudo-critic never really doubts Vereensballs' honesty, veracity, or wisdom.  In fact if you comment at pseudo-critic's house of non-criticism, and raise the issues of Vereensballs' honesty, veracity or wisdom, pseudo-critic will either snark at you, or delete your comment.  On some occasions he has first snarked, then later deleted after leaving the snark up for an hour or so.

************

One of the great things about the internet is that it's a blank canvas letting everyone try their hand at painting something "creative."  Blog after blog can be found where there are active comment threads, nearly all of whose inhabiting characters speak the same voices, or make the same arguments.

You might think the sameness is a result of many people being shitty writers.  Or being strongly drawn toward imitation because of insecurity.

But the truth is that most "active" comment threads are just sock puppetry.  Pseudo-critic's house of french poodle coiffures is just one of the many sock puppetry hangouts you can find on the webtoobz.

It's keen that Ben Vereensballs has become a millionaire thanks to being a gay man.  Every gay man should get rich just because he loves cock and ass rather than tits pussy and ass.  That's the reality in 2013 broheem.  Gay = hero.  Straight = shithead.  If you're a french poodle yourself, please hurry to the comment box and tell me I'm a shithead who is jealous of Vereensballs and his alter-ego, the pseudo-critic. 

That's great aim, marksman.  Jealousy.  Sure.  Those of us who work toward social change aren't actually angry when someone's lies and statist goat-roping are mistaken for social criticism.  Nope.  We're just jealous.  Jealous, because we're not gay ourselves.

Makes perfect sense.

You know, Oprah, that I envy Ben Vereensballs and his ability to lie.